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Monday, November 9, 2009

seduction of the green fairy

The seduction of glass intertwined with steel...The long lines...history...stainless tubes waiting with clean,cold water...longing to drop in and make the mix...tempt me...lick my lips...feel the want to fill my need.

Take you in and play the game...stay the wait and hope for your coming....tease me with your wiles...make me hope for your effect.

Your smile feels familiar..like I've been here before but we know that I just met you...

...and it won't be our last.

Wednesday, November 4, 2009

The abnormal obsession with paranormal activity.

So we finally did it..we fell for the hype..our interests were piqued and we took the plunge. We had a slight fascination with the whole ghost hunters niche so we thought that with all of the crap out there we could finally subject ourselves to the proclaimed "scariest movie ever made about paranormal shit"....

..so I decided to dedicate myself along with Jen and some good friends to an evening of fright and fear...and with a little help from the fine folks over at the Alamo,this would make for one fine Halloween evening.

There is much hype surrounding this movie...everyone seems to have an experience with the movie or atleast know of someone who has had the shit scared out of them and lots of lost sleep....grown men and women are claiming to reverting back to childhood days of hiding under blankets to avoid the guaranteed demon run-in....big,bad-ass meatheads are quivering in corners,crying for mommy,wanting the horror to end...I mean this is some serious shit and I was ready for it.

We decided about a week from Halloween that we wanted to have a mellow night out and to not ruin Halloween night with a hangover the size of Montana on Sunday...we just wanted to get together with a few friends,have some beers and eat bad food...so that's what we did.

It was a perfect early fall evening in good ol' Austin..the sky was purty and pure wonder was in the air...were we going to go see this movie and then be fucked for the next few days??..are we going to be able to walk through our own house at two in the afternoon and not find the need to turn on every light in the house just in case the "paranormal" being in our house decides to black out the sun ?.. with it's demon wings and horned tail,fire breathed through it's nostrils....slayer playing in the background...we just weren't sure what to expect.....and to make it creepier,it was Halloween.

We arrived about 45-minutes early and found only a small line formed for the flick....most people were in line to see a Halloween viewing of the Phantom and the Opera...pretty cool if you ask my humble opinion....we settled in with a couple of cold ones and waited.

Friends began to arrive and by the time that we were all seated together we took up about a half-of-a-row in the theater. If you couldn't feel safe here,in a row of your friends,then this movie would prove to be some serious stuff....the cheesy pre-movie clips and buckets of beer began to flow and we settled in for the despair about to be witnessed on screen.

So here begins the experiment....In a mixed group of 60% female to 40% male ratio all participants were questioned with the following questions:

-Are you scared of this movie? are you scared of the hype surrounding it?
-Do you think that this movie will be a bit creepier because we are seeing it on Halloween?
-Will it be a better viewing experience seeing it at the Alamo because you are allowed to drink beer?

It was a simple series of questions...I tried to keep it straight to the point...I knew that I was dealing with a major fear factor here so I did not want to stress the participants any more.

The following pictures are of the participants pre-viewing experience:

The build up of the movie start thickened until you could just feel the uncertainty in the room...everyone emitted some sort of fear energy that we all fed off of....we were one in this voyage of darkness and torment.

Finally it started and blood pressures climbed.....

...it started innocently enough...I would have to agree with a lot of people who said that it's a "couples" movie...meaning a movie that couples can relate to I guess...it worked itself through it's introduction with little teasers of what to expect later in the movie....and the heavy sighs began throughout the theater...peoples way of preparing themselves for the big jolt.

This will be the quickest review of a movie ever...

...things that freaked me out? light switches being turned on in the middle of the night,a swinging chandelier and the girlfriend getting dragged out of the bed while she was sleeping.....yea,a bit freaky.

Also the girlfriends scream deserves an Oscar...she had that death shreek down to a perfect song of despair...a true death howl.

What ruined the movie for me?...
well,maybe the ouija board scene..how come the rest of the house didn't catch on fire?....and then the little lizard foot marks that they find in the "powder" scene...I mean,really??? a little valaptosaurus demon sneeking into their room?? I was just wondering where the little tail trail of powder was...kind of dissappointing....

...speaking of dissappointing...we don't get to see the large breasted girlfriend flash the flesh..sorry guys.

So the movie comes to an end...we all just sat there and kind of looked at eachother...the looks of disgust and the feeling of unfulfillment ran across our faces...we felt betrayed.

The results were in after some difficult debate...

-The movie pretty much sucked..it was not at all what I expected or hoped for....it fell waaay short.
-Seeing it on Halloween did add to the experience..it gave the evening a fun aspect that I think everyone enjoyed.
-The beers made the pain slip away...we went through some serious buckets of cold,tasty bevvies....it was nice...it made the movie fly by.
-We had a great turn out of great people.

Thumbs up or down???


Sunday, November 1, 2009

the bubbling gut cauldron

Today is the day after Halloween...

..I can remeber everything from last night...

...my head does not feel like it needs to cave in nor do I have the overwhelming desire to vomit on a minute-by-minute basis...

..what the fuck happened?

Well,I ran my first 5k today..well,my first organized 5k....the race for the cure....I came in right after 25-minutes...not too bad given that last night for our halloween fun we would go see paranormal activity....I will do my official review on that movie in a day or so....I still need time to take in the cheese factor of that movie and actually weigh it against some of the actual creepy parts.

I was up by 5 a.m.. I got up and did the mandatory bowel exercises...it's especially important to do your bowel exercises before a run so I made sure that I "exercised" twice....I then cleaned up a bit and proceded to down some coconut water and almond butter.....split,slpat we were out the door and on our way.

After finally working our way into the labyrinth of traffic and finding a space to park we jetted over to the starting line...or atleast I did...I left Jen about a hal mile back as I needed to get to the starting line.....after some inspiring words form the "lone governor",we lined up and were off at the horn...

I quickly found my pace as after the swell of the faster runners pass you it's pretty much cruise control from that point on...especially when you have a 65-year old woman on your ass...how could you let yourself fall behind like that???.....I would just have to walk off the course with my head down in shame if that happened...so I kept my happy ass moving.

First mile was clocked at 7:37...great pace....if I could keep this pace going like this then I will have no problem and this run would be done quickly.

"Now,where in the hell is mile marker 2?" I kept asking myself.....it's as I psyched myself out as soon as I passed the first mile marker...so I had to bring down the pace a bit...I had to relax and settle in....go the distance.

Mile number two came in at eight and change...I was slowing down just a bit but still trying to keep at it...this was now the last mile...it was time to kick it back up and get in there.

Around mile 2.5 I could feel the tingle in my belly...the feeling of a bubbling gut cauldron....."Goddamnit!" I thought to myself....the fucking black coffee was trying to be heard and it wanted to come up and say hi....I had to push it back down and really pay attention....pay attention to the freaking climb that was awaiting us before the final sprint....

...I put my head down and dug in..I just climbed..climbed and climbed..this was by no means a huge hill or anything remotely close to it...but after the miles before this and the great food from the night before,I was starting to feel the run and just wanted to stop...just wanted to be done with this early ass run...why wasn't I still in bed??..It's freakin' sunday morning and I don't need to be running with the risk of either puking coffee or shiiting 20-beer chili down my legs.....this sucks ass...

So I sucked it up and just looked ahead..I set markers...when I would reach one marker I would set my sights on the next..time seemed to pass quickly.....and finally the final stretch.

I came around the corner and saw the finish line...I warmed up my jets.

As I began to step up my speed I took a glance around...all sorts of people were cheering us on...it was like being cheered onto the field in a highschool football game...all of your friends and classmates welcoming you..thanking you for being the winner that you are...even if you are running a 15-minute mile..

...but that wasn't the case for me...I could see the clock..I was coming in right at 25 minutes...I was happy with it but not the best that I could've done....but I did prove to myself that I could push through bad food,moderate beer consumption and an "after dinner mint".....add in a little of the old lack of sleep and bubbling gut cauldron...I think I did alright.

I do want to express my respect to all that have or have had any experience with breast cancer...each one of you is strong beyond belief and my prayers are always with you.

Saturday, October 31, 2009

Five miles to the middle of nowhere

I have to admit that 4-years ago I was a little upset...upset and angry...upset,angry and confused...I felt out of my safe place and I was not comfortable with it.....I didn't have the comforts that I had grown accustomed to and I didn't know which way to turn...I was used to going to where I knew I could find what I was looking for and also knew that I would leave that place feeling satisfied....fulfilled.

As time passed  I became more aggressive towards finding the perfect places to get away from it all...just to be quiet,take in the sights/sounds/scents/scenery and most importantly allow the dogs to run freely,off-leash....just being dogs.

I was used to travelling atleast 20-30 minutes in Denver to get to the big off-leash areas...these spots usually included some world class views of the Rocky Mountains.....the sky was open and unlimited in it's grandeur...the sun would set just a bit and the colors would bleed from the sharpest of red-orange to a seductive purplish-blue....."this could not be replaced or remade" I would often think to myself as I sat there with my four-legged children,daring fate to prove me wrong.

Well,yesterday,fours-years later,I found myself in the middle of nowhere...surrounded by everything that seemed to be a sort of prerequisite to be able to be considered a "perfect place"....the sights of dark green lush growth...the sounds of birds,rushing water and NO CARS......the scent of clean,refreshing,just-after-rain air.....the scenery of some mountainous area that you would send a postcard of to a friend just to rub it into their face!.....and it was perfect....

...and it was only five miles from our house....fate had once again proven me wrong.

Now,I have been here before...actually many times....I have seen this place swollen with people on a weekend day....I have also seen it on a rainy day when only the hardcore dog owners come out knowing that the crowds would be non-existent.

I have seen the waters rise above the trail line and have also experienced the severe effects of a long drought cracking the earth in the beds below...looking like a scene form some movie filmed in the Sahara.

But as I walked the dogs yesterday I just kept smiling and laughing to myself.....I just felt like I belonged here...I have done my time and I can now stake my piece of this beauty...I can now say that I'm home.

I'm glad that I no longer have to make long journeys for a simple walk...the walk can be a journey alone and the faster that I can get myself exploring the better off we all are...and I don't have to hear Tango whine as much.

The first image that I ever had of Austin was from a picture that Jen had....it was one of the 360 bridge crossing over lake austin...it was so simple yet it said so much of what this place has to offer...I would like to think of it as a simple elegance.

We have had the joy of being able to explore,swim,boat and jump off of tall objects without ever having to leave the city....what more could I ask for?.

I remember once having a conversation with my sister about the ideal place to live...I do have certain metroploitan needs...such as a live music venue that draws good music in,a movie theater that plays the new releases and good food...but mostly I wanted some place that had a great swimming hole and a rope swing...

..I now have that...

...and it's only five miles to the middle of nowhere.

Thursday, October 29, 2009

Doing the shuffle.

I'm a crossfitter...I live crossfit...my diet may not always be on,but I could spend hours chatting about crossfit and everything that goes with it...the lifts,pain and girl WOD's....I guess that you could say that I AM CROSSFIT.

When I first discovered the lifestyle of crossfit I was blown away with the "cult" mindset of the followers....people would throw themselves at pain...they would jump until blood ran from their eyes and after a very quick break,would jump some more....they would allow themselves to become so uncomfortable with the suffering associated with the workout that this feeling would become addictive...like the addictive pain that a cutter feels...or people into sadomasochism...after a while,the torture just feels right and you find yourself looking for it....for example,I used to annoy Jen at the grocery store by doing single arm snatches with water jugs...I got some real funny looks from some real funny looking people.....

..it's just what I do.....but I needed my fix.

So now with my new found passion I found myself always searching for the newest workout..one that would surely kick me in the balls and then not even have the common decency to help me up after the pain passed...but once I stood back upit would kick me again.....now this was the kind of workout that I was looking for!

I threw myself into anything that involved crossfit...I would never shut up about it...I talked about it all of the time...I would often watch the glaze form over Jen's eyes as I tried to pull her into my world of desired agony...she could only look and act interested for so long....so,I would give her a minute or two to regain her interest and I would once again take her as prey.

Over the time between now and then I have aquired quite the home crossfit gym...I have a rower,over 300 lbs in rubber weights ( so I can drop them),various weights in kettlebells,squat stands,a standard bench and pull up bars in the backyard...I have everything to attain my pleasure with pain....my needle with syringe...my fix.

So,there-in-lies the problem...I have all of this equipment and more than ample desire to work myself into the ground...I want to hurt myself,,,but I want to do it effectively..

..does that make sense?..hurting myself effectively?...

well,yes actually,it does make sense....I don't want to be like a 16-year old boy having sex for the first time..I don't want to go too hard and fast right from the get go just to drop my load and burn out..( ummm,literally?)...I want to last...take my time and build up...gain strength..get more skillfull...have more speed for when I need it.....and then when the time counts,I will be able to pick up and power through to the big finish!!.......now,that's what I'm talking about!

So,how do I do this without getting overwhelmed by the responsibility of really confusing the muscles yet working them in a functional manner?...no bicep curls or tricep extensions.......I mean big,heavy compound movements or skill work...and how about speed?...you never know when you will have to outrun a pack of wild dogs or an alligator....or even an angry wife.

With the help of various crossfit "type" websites,you can find an assortment of painful plans to rock your body...but what about the strength/skill/speed elements? I still need to get strong before I get fit,right?

Well,I decided to do probably the most simple thing in the world and just write various skill/speed/strength things that I know that I need to do to help me acheive my goal of becoming the abercrombie and fitch model that I've always wanted to be...

I wrote 12-different exercises...some consisting of power lifts..others in the olympic range or practice.....and some just as simple as sprinting.

I now dedicate the first part  of any workout to taking the time, practicing patience and attempting to learn these movements....and have noticed immeasureable results in gain of strenth,stamina and the ability to push myself just that bit further......especially when it matters most....

..if you catch my drift.

Tuesday, October 27, 2009

The double-edged shirt.

We all have one...every single one of us..not one of us is innocent...we all have that single piece of clothing that somehow always seems to make it onto our bodies whenever we have an "outfit emergency"...you know the kind that I'm talking about...the kind of emergency that you SUDDENLY have nothing to wear in your closet that matches the new tie you bought...or the clutch that you want to sport...or the dressed down look that you are trying to acheive without looking too much like a gel-haired,popped collar frat boy-douche-bag.....nobody really likes those dudes,so keep away from that stupid look.

So,let's welcome the " doubled-edged" piece of clothing...the one piece of clothing that makes you look oh soooo good,but also can get you caught everytime...


caught for what??

well my silly,caught for being the biggest loser at the party...and I don't mean the fat kind of biggest loser,I mean a real gen-u-ine,hose bag,must-be-blind big loser.....I mean,really?? How many times can you wear the same thing,over and over,mixing it up with different combinations,thinking that no one will notice....C"MON!!....GET A LIFE DORK!

So let me tell you about my most recent run-in with the double-edged shirt....and actually,it's not recent...my history with this shirt...it goes waaaay back...there are actually two "versions" of this shirt. I will just touch quicky on the history of my shirts.

-2006 Bought my first version of the double-edged shirt...a button down sage green dress shirt..made by Perry Ellis...I bought it at Ross..I like to dress for less at Ross...I believe that I paid $21 for it at 70% off.

I got this shirt home and it was too small..it fit my torso fine,but the bottom of the cuffs reach only as far as the tops of my wrists..I still own this version for the "tight nights".

-2007 Version one makes its debut at a wedding that I was "security" for...I shit you not...I was invited to the wedding at this little ranch in the middle of Salado,Tx...my job was to control any riff-raff that might be steppin' out of line at the reception...in return for my duties,I recieved a fine room at the local La Quinta,free dinner and drinks for the entire evening...Jen and I used the room to get ready..we went to the wedding...ate...made fun of rednecks...met some new friends...fought off cougars and watched a portly bride eat buffet style bbq in her white gown...what a fucking sight man!!!

-2008 I buy version two of the double-edged sword..a button down sage green dress shirt..made by Geoffrey Beene..I bought it at Ross...I like to dress for less at Ross...I believe that I paid $18 for it at a 57% discount.

Version two made it's debut at Jen's company christmas party at the Hyatt...we went out and bought a pretty snazzy suit...I only bought it because it was like 50% off at Macy's.....I felt good in the shirt...and went well with the suit...I also enjoyed the shirt because it fit..and perfectly.

From this point on,the shirt became a stand-by for any occassion that might require a nice button up.It was surely a contender...not always winning the fight,but always going down with one.

-2009 Version two rears it's face to the fashion world once again...it steps out with a new look...flair....it lets loose once again at another wedding..this time sharing the stage with a tie and sweater vest....I thought it looked reallly good until I saw the pictures......

...I looked like a college football coach....all I needed was my clipboard and a whistle...then it woulda' been game on bitch!!!

-2009.....1 week later.......

...Okay.....so I go to the store with Jen to kind of look for something to wear at the next wedding that we are going to...I see a sweet vest and matching pants..I have the perfect tie and shoes for this combo...I even had a good white shirt to match it with.......everything is in place...I'm gonna kill it......


I put the outfit on and I looked like Blake....your friendly cheese-dick bartender at a wedding...you can just imagine this guy....about 5'7",hair all done up,my outfit on......as he leans to one side,points his fingers at you like pistols and asks "what can I getcha?"...he then repeats your order back to you and he winks...not seductively or homoish,but as in he is sooooo fucking cool,that he can wink at you....God,I....................nevermind.

So,guess what?? with all of this "Blake" nonsense running through my mind....I decide to do it...I just have to....I fall victim once again.......

...the Goddamned double edged button down drees shirt.......yes..the sage green one.....again.

Days have passed now and the effects of the alcohol have worn....it's all just a fading memory now...this one will surely go down in the books.

Today,I'm reading my e-mails and a friend decides to rub it in that I was pointed out for double edging it....I knew that it would finally catch up...I knew it the night of the most recent wedding...I was finally caught....I was fucked in the world of fashion.....I was now,truly,a has been.

So,take this tale of a fashion trend setters rise and fall from the battle a rockstar lifestyle....learn from my mistakes and don't let the same story of fate ruin you.

or just be comfortaable and go naked.

Monday, October 26, 2009

FUCK weddings

The only fun wedding is your own..and sometimes that isn't the case at all for certain couples. I feel blessed...we had a wonderful wedding..the day could not have turned into a better evening...everything felt RIGHT and nothing could've ruined that day. Our day came and went and we still enjoy looking back and laughing at how perfect everything was and that now we didn't have to worry anymore about planning for the big day anymore.

Well,everyone has decided to run off and get married lately and we have been to two weddings in the past two weeks.....two weeks of promises being made...the abundance of runny mascara and family that neither the Bride or Groom has seen since kindergarten but felt obligated to invite because of the "mishap" of running into them whilst at Target shopping for boxed wine.

No one is happy at a wedding...I mean really...how often do we need to be reminded of what a marriage is supposed to be? How perfect everything is going to be...how easy it will be if we just respect eachother and bow to our new spouses wishes,dreams and demands....if we just live in a fairy-fucking-tale world of constant love and understanding....yeah right...get a clue.

If we could just show up for the dinner and drinks after all of the sobbery,weddings would be so much cooler....everyone could just get right to the nitty-gritty of what a wedding is REALLY about...getting fed and getting your drink on,for free,along with some BAD dancing that you can get away with because everyone else is trashed and there's always a ton of trashed easy single people on the prowl.....now,that sounds like a good time to me.